Link's Fantastical Quest to Save Hyrule and Stuff
by muffiekun
Summary: Link's incredibly annoying and stupid journey to save Hyrule and stuff from the Teletubbies, er, I mean Ganondorf. Parody of Twilight Princess. Chapter 6: Don't cha hate dem l'il emos? Now up!
1. Cookies can hurt your feelings

Link will eat worms by the time I'm done with him. This is my first attempt at humor.

**Disclaimer: Did you know Zelda is spelled with a "Z" and Nintendo also owns it?**

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Mario was jumping like his life depended on it. But that's beside the point, because this is about how Link saves Hyrule from the Teletubbies er, I mean Ganondorf. Not how Mario falls into bottomless holes and gets eaten by turtles. So this is where it starts. Right abouuuuuuutttttt, now!

Link was talking to the mayor of Ordon village for no apparent reason. This is a pathetic record of what they talked about.

"Link, I want you to go to Hyrule castle and deliver this plate of cookies to Princess Zelda." Said Bo holding out a plate of cookies.

"But Bo, they're showing a Dora the Explorer marathon tomorrow and I can't miss it!" Link cried.

"You're going to Hyrule castle and you're going to like it!" Bo shouted

"Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Link cried and rode Epona back to his hut.

That's basically what they talked about.

Mmmmmmmmmmyep.

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Mario jumped on a turtle, than ate his guts.

**TBC**


	2. Of rocks, hookers, emos, and arson

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns Zelda 

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"Link! Wake up!" cried the stupid kid named Talo from the village, "Malo's trying to sell us useless items, Beth is acting like a hooker, and Colin's trying to kill himself again!"

Link got up and looked out his window to see the village idiots standing outside his door. "Ugh, can't those kids just leave me alone." Link stepped outside just in time for Malo to shove a rock in front of Link's head. "Hey, Link you want a legendary rock from ancient Hyrule? Only 1000 Rupees." Malo said.

"I don't have time for rock kid, they're bad for your health." Link continued walking when Beth walked up to him half-naked.

"Hey Link," Beth said, "Want some of this?" Beth made some weird noises, then fell to the floor and had a seizure. Link kept walking.

Talo walked up to Link and said, "Hey Link, can I borrow your copy of 'The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess'? I need to use it to brush my teeth." Link pushed Talo to the ground where he wet his pants.

As Link was about to mount Epona, Colin stabbed himself in the heart like the emo he is and died, only to be mysteriously be brought back to life. "Why can't I ever die?" Colin whined miserably.

Link rode Epona to the ranch, trampling Talo and Beth, then Talo stood back up and said, "Get me a slingshot, Link, or I'll burn your house down!"

Link threw a rock at Talo then wondered, _Why do I have to do this every morning?_

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Remember kids suicide and arson should _never_ be done. Instead try something healthier like going to school or getting high on sugar.


	3. Don't look in the closet

Reallystupidpeoplewereinvolvedinthewritingofthisfic.

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Link rode Epona to the ranch, trampling pumpkins on the way there making Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King sad. Link rode up to the ranch owner and made Epona tackle him.

"OUCH! WTF did you do that for!!!" the ranch guy said.

"I did it cause I love you." Link said.

0o said the ranch guy.

"And cause you never pay me for doing your job." Link said.

"I don't need to pay you because_ Luke, I am your father!_"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo-gasp-oooooooooooooooooo! Wait, this isn't Star Wars."

"You're right. Just do your freakin job before I set my goats on you. I'm goin to watch movies in my closet while you work."

"Okie-dokie." Link said.

Link rounded up the goats and put them in the stables after falling off his horse many times.

"Now to get the ranch guy!" Link said. Lin walked into the ranch guy's closet to get him when he saw what he was doing. "Holy sh-"

The following part has been edited out to preserve the sanity of the readers. Please enjoy this imaginary picture of a bunny while you wait.

…

…

…

Okay, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Link was on Epona and running as fast as Epona can gallop, then jumped over the gate. "If you ever sneak up on me like that ever again, I'll do it twice as hard!" the ranch guy said.

Link said to himself, "I hate my life."


	4. What exactly is it?

Abcdefghijklnmopqrstuvwxyz

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Link was riding back to his house when he ran into none other than Ordon's ditziest ditz, Ilia.

"Hey Linky!" said the ditz, "How's Epona?"

"What do you care?" Link asked.

"Oh, I just want to give Epona a bath.," said Ilia.

"Can it Ilia, everybody knows what you do to Epona when no ones around," Link said.

"What do I do," Ilia said.

"What you do to Epona is the same thing the ranch guy does to me every Sunday," Link said.

"How'd you know I do that?" Ilia said.

"Epona told me." Link said.

"But you can't talk to animals!" Ilia said.

"I can when I'm a wolf!" Link said.

"When were you a wolf?" Ilia said.

"Tomorrow after the ugly guy riding a boar took you!" Link said.

"How did you know I was dating King Bublin!?" Ilia said.

"You're dating a Bublin!" Link said.

"Well you cheat on this game!" Ilia said.

"This isn't a game! It's a horribly written fanfic that always ends sentences with 'Ilia said' or 'Link said!'" Link said.

"Just give me Epona so I can do **it** to her!" Ilia said.

"Whatever, I'm going to get the pyromaniac (Talo) a slingshot." Link said.

"Leave Epona so I can do **it**." Ilia said.

Link went off to get a slingshot, while Ilia took Epona to do **it**. And I went to cry because Link called this a bad fic. Sniff, sniff.

Meanwhile 

Talo was burning cuccos alive, Malo was selling 100 Rupees for 10, Beth was still having her seizure, Colin was cutting himself, and Mario was still eating that turtle.

What exactly is **it**?


	5. Goddesses, I hate loopholes

I can NOT believe I'm starting this up again. Whoever you people who voted on this in my poll should leave the lights on at night…

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Zelda. Ya hear me! I DON'T own Zelda! GOT IT!**

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Link walked the rest of the way to his house. Nothing really important happened on the way there, only the retrieval of a baby basket to a known cannibal and a cat returned to anorexic obese person. And before you ask, I don't know how an anorexic obese person can be possible. Anyways…

Link tripped on a rock.

And after that…

"Hey!" Talo shouted, "Where's my slingshot!" WHERE! Don't make me torch your house…"

"The game's mechanics won't allow for the burning of my house because my house's unique design won't support the graphical changes in programming even if you use the CGI from when the bomb shack exploded!" Link answered.

"I don't know what you just said!" Talo said, "Now give me my dang slingshot!"

"I don't have it!"

"Why not!"

"Why don't you have a seizure like that wannabe hooker over there!"

"Um, hello?" Beth said, "I can hear everything you're saying!"

"Don't you have a seizure to get to!?" Link and Talo yelled.

"Oh, right," Beth replied. "zdjghfaghafkdbhka!"

"Anyways kid," Link said, "Aren't you a little young to play with slingshots?"

"…Maybe." Talo responded.

"I thought so." Link said, "Now go play with this C4 in the forest."

"Mmmmmkay!" Talo got some random C4 and went into a forest. "HEY! It's that monkey! DIEEEEEE! Wait, no! What are you doing with that, STOP PLEASE! NOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!"

"Oh noes!" Link said, "That freak is in trouble! I must save him!" Link took two steps in Talo's direction, then stopped. "Forget it, I need Epona to save him. I'll just go on the internet and read fanfiction written by weirdos like MuffieMaster and Hourglass of Fantasies. What kind of name is Hourglass of Fantasies anyway? Fantasies can give some people the wrong image…"

"Wait!" The author said, "You need to save Talo from the Moblins!"

"Why?" Link said to the sky, "I don't care about him!"

"Well someone has to save him!" the author said.

"Hmm, good point." Link grabbed Colin. "Hey kid, go save that pyromaniac for me."

"Why?" said the emo.

"Because you'll most likely die in the attempt. Now go!" Colin ran as fast as he could into the forest.

"Hey that's cheating!" the author said.

"Nope," Link responded, "That's a loophole."

**The insanity continues.**


	6. Don't cha hate dem l'il emos?

**This stuff isn't that hard to write.**

**Disclaimer****: What else do you think usually goes here?**

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"Hahahaha!" Link laughed, "These Zelda diaries are great! I didn't know fairies can type! What else is there…" Link closed the window and clicked on a link. "Ooooooo! The Legend of Spongebob… HA! This stuff is great! Hurry up and update Muffie guy!"

"As soon as you crawl in a hole and die…"

"Who said that!?" Link shouted.

"No one…"

"Okie-dokie then!" Link continued reading.

Suddenly, Colin came barging in and threw Talo on the floor. "There you go," Colin said, "I got him back for you. He's a little bruised from where the Moblins hit him, and there are a few life-threatening injuries from that monkey, and he _could_ be emotionally scarred for life, but other than that I think he'll be fine."

"M-m-monkeys…chainsaws…scary…" Talo mumbled.

"Great job." Link said, "Now go away." Colin stood there. "What d'ya want? Some sorta payment?"

"You said I would be killed." Colin said, "I'm still alive."

"You really want to die that badly?" Link asked, "Then stick around for a few seconds."

A few seconds later…

Colin was staring at Link in an incredibly creepy way.

"Fine, fine," Link said, "Come with me to see Ilia and maybe the shock of her stupidity will kill you."

"I knew I'd get my way," Colin said, "I _always_ get my way."

"Hmph," Link hmphed, "Spoiled brat."

Colin pointed a rubber cucco at Link. "What'd you say!?"

"Nothing, nothing." Link said hurridly.

Link is allergic to rubber.

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This part will describe what Ilia was doing to Epona.

"Ya like that huh!?" Ilia said, "Can't get enough of **it** can ya?" Epona made scared grunting noises. "Oh yeah, ya like that! OH YEAH!!!"

**Disturbing, isn't it?**

**In the next chapter! We learn what **it** is! Like you really care…**


End file.
